he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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