I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize