I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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