i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
