I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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