Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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