and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
