I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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