At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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