I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
