So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
