yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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