I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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