I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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