i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
