how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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