I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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