Best friends brother. Beat that.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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