I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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