I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize