My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
