Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
