You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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