Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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