I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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