bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
