i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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