i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just gargled with NyQuil
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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