my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
