I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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