Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
