I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
