i would punch a child for taco bell
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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