I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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