I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I forget how to act sober
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