Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
