3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
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