I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
