He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
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