Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
What drink are we having for lunch?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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