I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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