I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize