tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize