I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
false alarm. still invincible.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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