I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
