"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
