You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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