life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
