I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
