You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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