No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
