Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
