If that was your dad, he is hot
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
