i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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