We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
