My liver just broke up with me...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
